A generalized and slightly comedic list* of why more women in the workplace is always a great thing.
*Written by a woman
1. WE’RE DAINTIER THAN MALES. With our generally more petite physiques, we are fast and furious. I’m talking about speed, folks. There’s less brawn to hold us down, and with speed comes power. Our smallish hands can whip out words on a keyboard faster than a Jamaican sprinter. We type as fast as you think, which means:
2. WE’RE EXTRA EFFICIENT. Efficienter? More efficient, that is. See how fast I typed that? Just LIGHTNING.
3. ESPECIALLY INTELLIGENT. Our native emotional intelligence helps us compile content and data one step ahead of you. We already know what you’re thinking and feeling due to our intricate and ever-flowing endocrine systems being alert watchdogs. You can talk less, while we create more.
4. WE ARE THE EMPRESSES OF ANTICIPATION. Like a coach “seeing the floor” in a basketball game, we perceive the whole picture before making decisions. Maybe it’s those eons of oppression making us more innately anxious and so preparing us for alllll possibilities, I don’t know. But in present day, this works wonders for your business. We “see the floor” and play to win. (Gotta make them suffragettes proud!)
5. NEVER DULL. Given the fact that physiologically our bodies are going through hormonal phases every 28 days, you know you will never have a boring workplace! To be honest, you just never know what to expect… and neither do we! This biological cycle keeps communication constant and workplace dynamics exciting to say the least. We are like ever-changing ecosystems where out goes the old and in comes the new every month. Change is inevitable and critical for success, and women embody this inherently- so hire them, ok!
6. VARIETY BY PALETTE. Men have ONE face, but women look different everyday. With so many amazing makeup palettes on the market, again you get a lot more bang for your variety buck in the workplace. Purple lipstick? Shiny highlighter? Sun-kissed bronzer? WHO KNOWS. Just wait to be surprised on Monday after we’ve watched 20 makeup tutorials on YouTube over the weekend. Women mix it up, and if there is anything your business doesn’t need more of, it’s BORING.
7. TRUTHFULLY: We’re just so darn clever and sweet, we make admin drudgery an organizational ballet. Proof: look at our office supplies. CUTER THAN MEN’S.
8. COMMUNICATION CHAMPIONS. Our tender voices on the phone taking incoming calls are sure to swoon even the crustiest of curmudgeons. It’s not often you hear someone barking at a woman in the workplace. But if you do… be prepared for guilt to overthrow that wicked curmudgeon who will- no doubt- crawl into your office pleading for the forgiveness of the empress.
9. MASTERS OF MULTI-TASKING. Again, more efficient and basically mind-to-task management ninjas.
10. A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. Don’t get mired in your mundane approaches to handle problems. Instead, enlist the fluidity, spunk, and intellect of a woman. Prepare to be impressed, all the time.
11. ASTHETICS. Women are basically walking art, let’s be honest. Between their darling voices and care for couture, they add that extra x (chromosome) factor to life’s environment. And if there is something this strip-mall saturated and white-paint society needs MORE of, it is elegance and style.
11. WOMEN RULE. You love your mom, right? (Fact: even people who hate their moms actually love their moms.) Women are so gloriously different from men. With opportunities, rights, and freedoms never hitherto available to the women of yesteryear, we are constantly watching a female evolution take place.
All satirical generalizations aside here is the ever-lovin’ truth:
When you hire a woman, you contribute to the revolution.
When you hire a woman, you help her do something her great-grandmother only envisaged.
When you hire a woman, you get the power of a mother.
The tenacity of a wife.
A force of nature.
The intellect of a wizard.
And the hope for an equitable future for everyone.
By Jenn Ryan
A woman working at a tech company and loving it.